IMPORTANT! Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Happy Halloween!

This is just a quite note for any email subscribers!

I just transferred all my content to my private hosting account, so anyone who gets my updates by email will need to re-subscribe.  I hate to make you do this, but email subscriptions do not carry over from wordpress.com sites to self-hosted wordpress.org.

All you need to do is enter your email in the box in the right sidebar and hit ‘subscribe’.

For those who get my updates by google reader, everything should still work. I hope.

[[new real later tonight!]]

Sorry for the inconvenience!

R

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Didn’t Make the Cut

It’s 5pm and I haven’t left my room all day.  I slept through the morning, thanks to halloween party #1.  It’s snowing and gross outside and I really have no desire to leave – really, halloweekend?

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I’m antsy, and I’m dying to do a workout or something to move – but today is my rest day.  And I have to tell myself I need it after 6 days in a row of workouts.  Especially after running 4 miles (without stopping) in under 40 minutes! So I’ll attempt to be productive before halloween party #2 tonight.  Not sure how well it will work out, but blog posting is a start.

As I’m not feeling so original today, I thought I’d take the chance to post some things from the past couple months that didn’t make it to the blog.

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flax crackers. not really a fan.

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failed granola recipe. a waste, but something just really did not taste right.

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black bean brownies! not my recipe, but so delicious.

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cucumber & kraut salad. staple, delicious

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kabocha pumpkin pie. too much filling, and the crust stuck. this one I'm going to try again.

I’m now resigning to un-productiveness.  Time to watch a movie or something before heading out into this disgusting weather. In costume!

Any big plans for halloweekend?

Blog Lovin’

So I have had this long list of possible blog topics staring at me since Saturday.  Reviews, issues to discuss, recipes, recaps, etc.  But for some reason I have not been able to bring myself to write anything.  Even if I have a crazy amount of work to do or am really busy, I use blogging as my break as a quick chance to get away.  I use the blog as motivation to keep my eats pretty and interesting, that hasn’t happened lately either.  I’m even running low on my fresh vegetable stock!

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the last of my squash stash all cooked up 😦

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breakfast creativity - banana breakfast 'sushi' from Gena @ choosingraw.com

Lately I have not been feeling it, and it seems that I’m not alone.  For some reason, it seems that others (not only bloggers!) are going through a bit of a ‘funk’ right now.  Why? Who knows.  Anyway, I thought it would be a good time to share some blog-lovin’. I’m creating – my blogroll!

I have a long list of probably 80-100ish(?) blogs that I read regularly, and I will be adding those to the list.  So there will be some blogs on there who do not even know that my site exists, but I’m more than okay with that.  I want those who do read my blog to know who inspires me, what my interests are and whose writing I love to read.

For those of you who are reading this now and have a blog of your own: if you would like to be added to the blogroll, just leave a comment on this post and you I will add your site.  I’ll make the page live on Friday Oct. 21, but I’ll leave comments open after that.

If you have a blogroll of your own, I would love for you to add me as well – but don’t feel obligated.  Let’s spread some love!

Now I have a little question for you. Since I can’t seem to decide what to post about lately, I thought why not ask readers what you want to see in the near future.  Some choices include (but are not limited to!):

  • recipes – I have 2 dessert ones in the queue, but ideas are always welcome
  • food tutorials – possible: nut milk, oatmeal, eggs/omelets, roasting…
  • health topics – cosmetics, sleep, anxiety…
  • book reviews – fitness/health books
  • workouts & stretch routines
  • anything else?

Frenzied

I haven’t vanished from the blog world, I promise!

These past few days I’ve been packing to move back to school.  Speaking of which, I’m flying into NYC tonight, and I’m slightly scared – you know, there’s a hurricane coming or something? Ha.  Part of me thinks the city is overreacting a bit, that the storm won’t be as bad as they say.  I have no way of knowing what it will be like, as I’ve never been through a storm like this before.

Traveling in general makes me anxious, especially moving back and forth, which is why I did not post last night.  I had a whole plan to write about my last market day (will come later), but scrapped it in a fit of panic.  I hoped to get to writing when I finished with everything, but last night was one of those times where I just couldn’t manage to calm my nerves so I went to sleep.  Now that it’s a new day and all of my stuff is pretty much together, I’m calmer, but I still don’t have my typical Friday discovery post for you.

Instead, here are some of my ‘lasts’ in Chicago before I head out:

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Last big smoothie - before I get my Magic Bullet! blackberries, banana, sun warrior, maca, almond milk with buckwheat and cacao nibs

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last salad beast in chicago!

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Last home cooked dinner: homemade (delicious, clean) turkey burgers, market portobellos and market purple beans!

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with a side of salad with market peppers, tomatoes and lemon cucumbers

last culinary creation: a modified version of my berry crumble for two!

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suitcase and the doggy. I'm just going to miss this one.

Follow me on twitter if you’re interested in knowing what happens with the Irene in NYC. I’ll be posting tomorrow as well, assuming I have power and internet.  Wish me luck!

Any storm preparation tips (other than stocking up on food, which I’ve already done)?

What do you do to calm yourself down in stressful situations?

Eating my Intuition

[[disclaimer: This is a rather heavy post, please feel free to skip over it if you choose.  It’s definitely not the typical ELD post, but I need to get this out there.]]

[[also, please excuse the lack of photos]]

Never in my life have I been skinny.  Yes, by most standards I was thin, but I’ve always had that layer of baby fat that would never go away.  I was always slightly above average, and have never been underweight. As child and adolescent, I always ate intuitively.  I loved every kind of food, especially my veggies – I know, strange child.  But I was always hungry – so I ate!  I had the miracle-metabolism of a growing man, so for years I ate as much as I wanted, whatever I wanted, and never gained a pound.

Then puberty came – and rather late for that matter.  I was 16 already when my body started seriously changing.  Among other things, my metabolism slowed way down – but my hunger did not change.  My intuition did not adjust to what my body needed, or didn’t anymore.  I continued to eat enough food in a day to nourish a grown man – probably twice as much as my body needed.  By the time I was 18, the ‘body-conscious’ hormone kicked in.  No, I did not develop an eating disorders, but my already low self-esteem fell even further – and I dealt with it in my way.  I continued to eat.  Food always made me feel better – it would never feel unfamiliar, like my ever-shrinking jeans did.

I refused to believe I was doing anything wrong.  I started exercising regularly, but it barely changed anything.  What could be bad if I ate what I was craving when I was craving it? What I didn’t realize was that I was confusing cravings with the want to eat.  My intuition failed me.  By the summer after my freshman year of college, I had packed on 20+ pounds, and I was eating intuitively.

I know this is not the typical post about intuitive eating – I had no fear of food at the time.  It was a comfort, something to make me feel better in the moment, and it just felt right.

I know this is post is very similar to my story page, but I needed to get it out again.  After joining the blog world, I’ve read so many posts about how intuitive eating is good for the body and mind.  After a few months of mild restriction and meal planning, I managed to lose the weight and get fit. For the first time in years, I was not afraid to show off my body – I convinced myself I was happy.  And the truth is, I was not unhappy.  I didn’t hate the way I looked, but I had to work darn hard to maintain it.

I ate a healthy amount, but I didn’t eat intuitively. After reading a million and one posts about overcoming fear foods and eating intuitively, I thought ‘hey, why can’t I do that?’ So that’s what I’ve done this summer.  Although I’ve been generally healthier and more in touch with what my body needs, my intuition still fails me – I’ve gained over half of the weight back.  A good part of it is probably muscle, but I that’s not all of it – I can physically see and feel the difference in the way my clothes fit, and it still gets to me.  I refuse to believe that my body’s ‘happy weight’ is what would normally be considered overweight for my height.

I look back at the amount of food I consume, and I can tell I’m eating too much – and that I’m once again eating out of boredom and lack of company.  But that’s what my intuition has told me to do.  And many would see this as seriously twisted, but at this point, I don’t trust my intuition.  I don’t trust my brain to get the correct signal from my body, because it was out of whack for so long.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not ‘going on a diet’ or planning to do any serious calorie restriction.  I don’t count calories.  I stay away from scales if I can – they only make me feel worse.  I just need to train my intuition, and I’m realizing that it will be harder and take longer than I thought.  It was way too easy to slip back into my old eating habits, which anyone with disordered eating habits can most likely relate to.

I know this is no clinical ‘condition’ or diagnosable disorder, but this is my kind of recovery, despite being almost completely opposite of the norm.  But this is where I am now, and it is a much better place than the one I was in at the end of my freshman year, or even just a year ago.

I am proud to say that I can look at the big picture now, and try to assess the things I need to work on.  My intuition needs help, and I plan to give it just that – by viewing food as fuel and nutrition, not solely as a comfort or pastime.  This is not to say that I will stop being creative in the kitchen, that would probably do more harm than good.  But the mindless eating has to change, and my food awareness level has to become conscious.

For those of you who got through this post, thanks for reading! I know it’s a lot, and will probably be very controversial to what many readers have been through, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.

How do you deal with intuitive eating?

Do you plan your every meal?  Eat when you’re hungry or have a craving?